Oscar the Couch Grouch – PiMP’s dubious
Critics Rate the Worst Movies of All Time
We have just witnessed the botox parade on the red carpet of the 86th Academy Awards & didn’t Australia’s own goddess of grace Cate Blachett clean up! Was surprised now to see the fanatics yelling out “Oscar Oscar Oscar oi oi oi” from the back row but I reckon the ticket prices might have been a bit much for the boys from Broady.
Footy season hasn’t started yet here in Oz so everyone’s talking movies & we’re no exception.
Our PiMP armchair critics (otherwise known as total movie hacks with the attention span of Dory the fish) have watched a few movies over pizza n leftovers in their time. Our men and ladies are truly versatile in their film genre, from classics such as Texas Chainsaw Massacre to Deepthroat and movies that if you were not hungover would seem entirely to have been filmed in Black & White (Schindler’s List). Yep, we’ve watched a truckload of movies! Some breathtakingly great, some painstakingly average and some totally life-wasting shit.
Instead of dwelling on the inspiring, let’s put together a few lists of the shittest movies of all time. It’s way more fun… So, if you were unlucky enough to see a few of these …see if you agree with our choices.
Top 5 – Worst Movies of All time
1. Jack & Jill (2011) – The daddy of shockers… we kinda liked Happy Gilmour but holy shit… Adam Sandler .. This movie makes me want to self harm. Jack off.
2. Gigli (2006) – This movie hit an all time (J) Low. Ben Affleck was thunderbirds Argo stiff and the movie that poetically invented “turkey time” wasn’t gobbled up. Blow Lo.
3. Showgirls (1995) – Smoking hot pole dancers should be something to hang out for … but somehow these idiots still made the movie boring. Not one for the Mensa Club movie night. Soft porn yawn.
4. Howard The Duck (1986) – Made about the time that George Lucas either started smoking crack or regularly visiting Nimben & Amsterdam – this huge budget flick was a bigger flop than my Grandpa without his viagra. Ducking pathetic.
5. Freddie Got Fingered (2001) – The only people that got fingered are the viewers…. I’d actually say they/we got fisted. Finger licking bad.
Top 5 – Worst Australian Movies of all time
1. Blinder (2013) – Aussie rules football movie that made me wish I was actually blind (both drunk and visually). The ‘star player’ actor looked about as co-ordinated as Helen Keller. Stop there Cazaly.
2. Mr Accident (2001). It was bad enough having Yahoo Serious in Reckless Kelly .. But a third dose of him in Mr Accident sends us over the edge. In the words of John McEnroe, “You can’t be serious”!
3. Aussie Park Boyz (2004) – Tried be an Aussie “warriors” but the acting made the cast of Home & Away look like Oscar winners. The boyz don’t light up.
4. Australia (2011) – Made with a huge budget and all-star cast now used as a weapon of boredom torture in the wrong hands. Jackass & Kidding.
5. Houseboat Horror (1989) – “Undiscovered masterpiece of Australian cinema”.. haha…Maybe the only flick that’s actually enjoyable on our list. Gets a special mention because it’s deliberately (we hope) so bad that it’s good! Shocky Horror showboating.